The World's Sporting Competitions, Ranked

With the 2020+1 Tokyo Olympics upon us, I figured it was a good time to see how the ancient games stack up against other sporting contests around the world.

#10 | Tour de France

International spectacle of bulging quadriceps, this event really brings the juice. The camera work is always dope, super dope, with the helicopter and car mounted angles. I just get really amped up watching the tour – like I’m on something.

#9 | Stanley Cup

I don’t watch much hockey either, but don’t let that delude you into thinking that I don’t know my stuff. Whenever the Kings make it into the finals, I knock out my front teeth, put on my Emilio Estevez costume, and cheer like it’s the 1980 Winter Os.

#8 | Winter Olympics

I don’t get as riled up for curling as most people, and I can’t ice skate. I didn’t even see snow until I was a man, and by then it was chilling. But the ski races and biathlon shooting thingy are pretty entertaining.

#7 | The Masters

Watching golf is actually not nearly as boring as it would seem. And I love bridges.

#6 | Home Run Derby

In lieu of the Little League World Series and World Beisbol Classique, I present the only baseball event that anyone under 74 years of age can stomach to watch. With the new rule change that the winner of the event will be auctioned off to the Dodgers, while second place will move to the Yankees, this competition is poised to keep baseball fans entertained until they realize that they can do literally anything else with their time.

#5 | Super Bowl

As someone with at least a modicum of human compassion, I can’t watch too much football before all of my pain receptors start firing off simultaneously – but I do appreciate a good commercial bowl. The halftime show performances don’t really do much for me either. A game for an older time.

#4 | World Cup

I’ve watched a cumulative 200 minutes of soccer in my life, but the tendency for everyone in America to gravitate towards the country where their great grandparents once took a train through is interesting enough to be noteworthy. Perhaps it just shows that Americans aren’t too great at soccer.

#3 | Nathan’s Hot Dog Contest

Just gonna slip this one in here.

#2 | Olympics

The Olympics are usually wrought with overhype and tend to under-deliver, but they do always provide us with a few legendary moments, momentary legends. For every stumbling defending champ, there is a newcomer to take over the throne of ridiculous expectations. And for those encumbered few with great expectations who still yield great performances, Valhalla awaits in cultural immortality and decades of Subway commercial spots. The highlight of 2021’s games happened in a moment of tense diplomacy between high altitude competitors.

#1 | The Finals

The pinnacle of athleticism and skill on this green Earth – the beautiful game – once again in front of fans. Strung out over a week or two of strategic adjustments, usually boiling down to which elite athlete can make the most remarkable play. The Finals combines instantaneous momentum swings with season-long stylistic differences, and synthesizes these with characters that actually have personalities, feelings. The best sporting spectacle in the world.